Are You Being Cautious Or Selfish When You're Dating More Than 1 Person At A Time?
Whew. It has been quite a while since the last blog post. The last time you all heard from me, I was in the process of trying to reconnect with Marcus, the Morehouse man I took for granted for most of my college and post-college life. Well, as it turns out, trying to reconnect with someone where there is a ton of emotional trauma is no easy feat. When you both have emotional baggage, it can make it difficult to be yourself. I found myself projecting a lot of my insecurities and fears, which is detrimental and can destroy any chances of building a healthy relationship. I’m 150% positive that he did not trust me and he remained very closed off, as a result. Eventually, I made an executive decision to end things. While I may have been the reason our relationship failed in college and post-college, your girl is not a sucker for punishment and will not subject herself to mistreatment just because someone is butt hurt and unwilling to forgive and move on.
I officially ended things at the end of October. To say the least, I was disappointed. Despite what transpired between us, the fact remains that Marcus is a good guy. What stood out the most to me and perhaps why I kept Marcus on a pedestal is: he never felt emasculated, put off or intimidated by my dreams and goals. In fact, he always fully supported me, cheering me on, even, at times, being my creative consultant. While a number of other men have admitted to being intimidated by what I can bring to the table, Marcus celebrated my strengths and skillset so the fear of losing that support was real. However, at some point I had to acknowledge his negatives began to outweigh the positives and like I said before, I am not a glutton for punishment.
During that same week, I said to hell with men. I was done with dating. I decided to clean house and drop any remaining benchwarmers on the team. With one text blast and a swift click to the block and delete keys, your girl was through with men and their shenanigans. I opted to keep my phone on “Do Not Disturb” all week so I can process how single my ass was about to become. But the good Lord had other plans for me.
A couple of days after I cleaned house, a guy I met through my best friend Nafeza slid in my iMessage. While I did think he was handsome, I wasn’t sure if I should be dating anymore (I’m a Pisces and I prefer to disappear for a while to do some healing and then reenter the world like nothing happened). I read and reread the text message for about 30 minutes, deliberating with myself. I wondered was this an awkward joke God was playing on me or now that I have finally made space for someone new was God throwing me a curve ball? I caved and said yes. At minimum it was a rough week and your girl could use a nice glass of prosecco.
Four months later, we’re still dating. He’s kind of been a breath of fresh air. He’s funny, consistent, exciting, a supportive friend to his tribe, attentive, loves to travel, passionate about his career goals, and most importantly finds my passion for work “sexy.” Here is a guy, who genuinely admires my strength, intelligence and position in the workplace. Oh, and he’s fine AF.
While 2017 was filled with a slew of lessons, the most important lesson I learned: we’re all so afraid of getting hurt that we think by dating multiple people we’re being “cautious,” when in fact we're being selfish and not allowing ourselves the opportunity to truly be emotionally available for one person. We’re all guilty of it. With Marcus, I was forced to re-evaluate past habits and tendencies. It was more about me learning how to be vulnerable, how not to be a brat, how to be real about my expectations (and maybe completely throwing my expectations in the trash), and stop being sneaky so I can really grow and make space for a healthy relationship. I had to throw all my trash ways away, which included having additional people available to feed my need for attention. If not, I am not making room for whomever God may have planned for me. And the moment I did that — BOOM — God threw me a curve ball.
Now he’s not perfect. We recently had our first major disagreement, which forced me to have the important conversations that we women tend to shy away from out of fear of rejection. We’re finally getting out the honeymoon stage of dating and taking the blinders off to see one another for who we truly are.
And that’s all you guys get for now.