THIS Is How You Shoot Your Shot In 2017
Sooo after reading the last couple of posts you're probably thinking to yourself, How does she know it's real this time? We’ve been following you obsess over guy after guy. You’re wondering, What's different? Honestly, it's true when they say you don't know until you know. I truly believe women don't really know what they want. Sorry ladies, I'm siding with the fellas on this one. We can't even decide on what we want to eat, and you all really think you know what you want? Give me a break. We know the basics, we know what want to be wooed (whatever that means to you) instead of sitting by the phone wondering if he'll call. We know we want a man that dresses sharp (again whatever that means to you), talks slick, a provider (yes, even Ms. Independent wants a provider), someone that will defend our honor, and all the other bullshit that varies from woman to woman. However, we don't know exactly who we want until we run into him (or her). And, even when this person is staring us in the fucking face we still are so fucking oblivious sometimes.
I just know now. I needed to meet D.C., and circle back to L (who both are great guys, but not the men for me) to know that Marcus is the right guy. It took me a really long time to get here, but I’m here. I literally feel like Mr. Biggs in the last original episode of Sex and The City, where he tells Carrie she’s the “one.” I think deep down I hoped this would be the man I would marry (I've said this to Kish & Kris many times), but I just wanted to date around to make sure. I wanted to explore and wander the world, cherish my precious lone moments, and honestly have all these amazing, sporadic, spontaneous stories to reminisce on when I am old, grey and wrinkle. If he were to give me a real chance again, and we fall in love all over again and get married (honestly, I don’t know if he's going to forgive me so I'm just manifesting the shit out of this dream), I will never wonder what if.
Perhaps that kind of commitment freaked me the fuck out. While I have seen examples of successful marriages, my parents weren't so lucky. I feared I would end up like my mother so I kept him at bay. I also did not know what a healthy relationship felt like (I’ve seen it, but never been in it). I was so use to being in a pissing contest, a tug of war kind of love. I was use to the chaotic, destructive and dramatic kind of love. I never knew supportive and caring love. I didn’t know how it felt to be understood and have someone willing to make compromises as well as accept me for who I am without trying to change me. So, I didn’t know when healthy love was staring me in the face. And years later, I honestly don’t feel like I deserve him after everything I did, but I am willing to fight for him and if I lose at least I know I gave it my all (again living with no regrets here).
The girls even see something different in me that they’ve never seen before. A couple of nights ago, I found myself weeping to both of my best friends on two separate occasions. Not once, but twice! Tears escaped my eyes, moment by moment and as the salty drops fell from my chin, hitting my bare chest, my fears revealed themselves. An involuntary whimper escaped my lips as I said, “What sucks the most is that I wasted so much time, and now he's hesitant rightfully so. I did a lot of things to him that I'm not proud of. All because I was selfish and while I don't regret living my life I do regret hurting him.” I continued, “I held on to the excuse that we weren’t ‘official’ so I did whatever I wanted to do, but I should have handled it better with more grace, tact and respect.” Both Kris and Nafeza had the exact same responses. They said, “I’ve never seen you beat yourself up over a guy like this before so the fact that you are owning it shows growth and he needs time to see that.” I continued through the tightening of my throat and a short intake of breath, “We keep dancing around seeing each other what if we never do? what if he's over me? He's such a great guy and I just don't know why it took me this long to get to this place.”
Even my homeboy Chad text me after reading each post. He said, “Read your new post, you ain’t shit. I probably wouldn’t have posted that and fuck up my chances.” However, for true maturation to happen, for my glow up to not be stunted in any way, to truly heal I have to take accountability of all my actions. For me to salvage or save what we had, we both needed to address this to heal. Like Uncle Hov said, “You can't heal what you never reveal.”
This is my way of creatively shooting my shot. I don't know what's going to happen, but what I do know is he's reading this, Jersey has read several of the posts, L probably read this, D.C. may have even read this, and while I'm scared about the outcome (and the text messages that will soon be in my inbox), and risking my friendships with Jersey and L, I think I needed to get all of this out because I could never find the words to articulate it in real time. But with every great risk, comes a great reward, right?! Hell, I am not sure.
Lastly, I leave you all with a very fitting lyric from Uncle Hov, “I suck at love, I think I need a do-over /I will be emotionally available if I invited you over / I stew over what if you over my shit?”