Why do we choose the emotionally unavailable guy vs. the one who's all in?
***If you missed part one, click here, and then circle back.
Okay so where was I? When Queens (I nickname guys based on where they're from or career field, and he is originally from Queens, N.Y.) and I met, I was currently pursuing Jersey. I was already set on the kind of man I wanted. I wanted a God-fearing, creative, well-dressed, handsome, free-spirited, open-minded, funny guy. Jersey met all my dating qualifications. Visually as well as on paper, Jersey was (and to some still currently is) the kind of guy everyone thinks I would date. By the time Queens entered the scene, I was already set on what I wanted, at least so I thought.
As I got to know Queens better I was taken aback. He's intelligent, eloquent, funny, direct, and quite often a sarcastic asshole (which is something I appreciate because I also tend to be a sarcastic asshole), among other great qualities. He didn't write songs or produce music like Jersey, BUT he has a keen eye for marketing and branding. As a media major that was (and still is) extremely impressive to me. However, he was very judgmental, and that kind of excessively critical point of view was a turn off. My mom has a saying, "You see a man's face, but you don't know his heart," which means you shouldn’t judge someone because we often don´t know the whole story. Nonetheless, our chemistry was great and we had A LOT of fun together.
To be completely frank, aside from his hypercritical assessments, he was like a unicorn in the middle of a college campus. He wasn't the kind of guy who dated around. He wanted a serious relationship, no hidden agenda. And honestly, besides my father, Queens is the reason I believe so firmly in traditional courtship and expect boujee AF dates. He was the kind of guy who got high off spontaneity. I often received calls and/or texts like, "Be ready after class we're going out." And at the exact time he planned (not a minute later), he'd arrive at James P. Brawley Dr., at the corner of Clark Atlanta University's student center, and whisk me away. I always knew my worth, but he taught me how to add tax to my shit (no discounts).
So, what the hell was my problem? 1. I was hell bent on dating and living my life without regard to how that made any man feel. I believe women should be able to date around as often as men do, if they choose to. I wasn’t going to allow society define how many men I can date or be socially shamed because I wanted to date more than one man at a time. It has always been important to me to defy that B.S. perception. 2. Like I mentioned before, I was really into Jersey. It also did not occur to me until later that Jersey was emotionally unavailable. Looking back, I don’t quiet grasp why I continued to pursue an emotionally unavailable guy when there was a man who was emotionally available. And while I am a pretty confident person, perhaps I had invested so much in pursuing this unavailable man with the following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, it’s proof that I am worthy? Or did I just invest so much and waited so long for the unavailable man to come around that the thought of leaving without any payoff was almost unthinkable?
Whatever it was, it led me to make several phuck girl decisions that continue to gnaw at me today.
Stay tuned for part three……