The Moment Of Truth You've All Been Waiting For
Four posts later, now we're here — the moment of truth. I know you're probably thinking well when did you finally realize you were in love with him and did not just love him? It took me a couple more years. Following the New York trip, we had a long discussion, and our friendship finally had a solid foundation, at least so I thought. In 2014, he began dating a girl seriously, while I entered a relationship with a guy who was originally from D.C. We respected one another's new boundary lines.
However, six to eight months later he stopped answering my calls and texts. He literally ghosted me y'all. I know the fellas are reading this cheering him on as they did Lawrence during the season finale of Insecure. At first I thought it was a phase. I thought he'd eventually answer, but every time I called he did not respond. And every time I called my heart sunk deeper and deeper into my chest. From late 2014 to early 2017 we did not speak, and I literally felt like I lost a piece of me. It felt like the end of the world. No amount of pain has ever felt so agonizing or concentrated. It's like a giant hole was pummeled into my chest, with no hope of repair. I felt like I was in the world all alone for the first time ever. To be honest, I never thought that day would actually come. I thought I had all the time in the world to decide on what our future would be and like Rihanna sang in, he flipped the switch on me like a station, and quick. The tables turned. Honestly, and literally, I did not know how to function and make adult decisions without him. He's the reason this blog even exists. He's the reason I kept striving to be better.
At this point I was in panic mode. What if something happened to him? What if he died and I never got the opportunity to address all these feeling. The last time we spoke he returned to Atlanta for a new job offer. In 2015, I was so desperate to find him that while working at Haute Living magazine, my coworker Jill offered to call his job. However, by the time I worked up the balls to allow her to call he was no longer working with the company. I was out of options. I felt like I deserved everything I was feeling. You’re probably thinking, well why didn't you look him up on social media? We had a very strict no social media policy (he claims I made the rule up, but I beg to differ). I did not know any of his handles. I did try to find him on Facebook, but all of my efforts were to no avail. I was defeated. I'd often post Facebook statues with the hope that someone from the Atlanta University Center family would help me locate him, but no one ever responded. Don’t believe me, here are the receipts (brace yourseleves, I am finally name dropping):
I know you're thinking, well the last straw for him had to be when you entered a whole new relationship with another guy, and quite possibly that's true. However, I suffered from depression in 2012 and 2013, and Marcus couldn't love me through that. Not that he wouldn't have been open to, but I would have ruined it (and him). I was truly damaged back then.
You guys may recall a story about L and P, if not here's a refresher. P (aka Mr. Sloppy Toppy) was a guy I dated on and off since I was 16-years-old. When we finally ended, it shook me to my core. I felt a crushing grief, anguish, and distress. I was tense, plagued with swollen muscles, headaches, and an awful squeezing sensation in my chest. Food was indigestible. I couldn't sleep. It was a major blow to my self-esteem. I was going through an existential crisis. It was the first time I knew what it felt like to lose a part of you. Then I met a guy, L (read more about him here), who I was smitten with. He reminded me of P in every aspect (in a good way). Then I discovered L went to college with P. Not only did they attend the same college, but also they were damn near best fucking friends running in the same fucking crew, which everyone failed to fucking tell me. On top of that blow, they were having conversations about me without my knowledge, which led to L and I never having a fair chance. In addition, my cousin died, I was having a hard time securing employment in my field, and my mother and I’s relationship was very estranged. It was one devastating blow after another.
Life was kicking my ass and although Marcus would have tried to love me through it all, I was so beaten and broken that I wouldn't have been able to return the love that he needed. Then D.C. came along, and he was a new guy who didn't know anything about me, who wasn't connected to anyone that I knew. It was a fresh start, and he loved me through all of this. Although he was a great guy, he wasn’t the guy for me. I needed to enter a relationship with D.C. to know what I did not want. He made a lot of decisions that were very reminiscent of the instability I endured growing up as a child and I knew that was NOT what I wanted for myself as an adult. Once I could finally differentiate what I did not want from what I wanted, I could confidently say I wanted Marcus. I had to go through all of this to be able to discover that. Yes, it may have taken me a long time, but wouldn't you want someone to know whole heartedly than to have entered in a relationship to leave an individual tainted or jaded. I did that to a lot of men, but Marcus was special you don't make things official with this kind of unicorn unless you are truly ready.
What really troubles me through this whole dilemma: if I were a man things would be different. It's socially acceptable for a man to date around, no strings attached, until he's ready to settle down. I hate to admit it, but women are more willing to either wait on him or be ready and willing to accept and forgive him when he's ready. We're more likely to put up with the bullshit compared to men. Conversely, for a woman who is a serial dater, there are a lot of negative connotations that come with that. Men tend to be less forgiving, and less willing to wait for her to get her shit together, so to speak. But I digress.
I do finally get my shit together, and I am finally officially shooting my shot.
Stay tuned for part six....