#PhuckboyFreeFriday: One Twentysomething Shares How It Feels to Be Phuckboy Free
It has been two years since I have allowed myself to emotionally engage with a fuckboy. That is two full years of not getting myself into a situationship or accepting anything less than what I deserve. For exactly 790 days, I have chosen to love myself first — what an amazing accomplishment!
As you could imagine, getting here was not easy. No one wakes up deciding to love themselves and then BOOM all their emotional baggage and hang ups are suddenly gone. The past two years have been a necessary process in an emotional and spiritual growth spurt. As with many changes in life, parts of the journey were very painful.
Most of the articles I've read on how to get over someone or deal with a break up either involve keeping yourself busy (i.e. sign up for a new workout class, find a hobby, hit the town with your girlfriends, etc.) or turns the focus on how to forget about the person's presence (i.e. block them on social media, remove everything that reminds you of them from your apartment, etc.) I think this is a flawed way of thinking. A couple of things to keep in mind when moving past painful romantic situations: 1. keeping yourself busy does not allow you to deal with your pain, and 2. once it's over the focus should never be on the person you were with because pain is always a trigger for you to turn inward.
Getting to this space required me sitting in darkness. I cocooned myself in my pain. I listened to it and I did not judge it. I knew that it was necessary for me to honor and acknowledge everything that was hurting me to truly heal. Otherwise, I'd just be putting a Band-Aid on something that required amputation. This is what allowed me to slowly shed all the negative energy that led me to be involved with someone who would treat me like crap in the first place. There were a lot of extremely uncomfortable nights where there was no one to call who would understand or offer any form of consolation to pacify me. I knew I couldn't throw myself into another guy or just go on with my life and act like everything was fine. I knew it was time for something in me to change before the type of men I was attracting would change.
Learning how to console and nurture myself has allowed me to love myself so much that someone else loving me would just be a nice bonus. When I am angry, sad or frustrated, I know how to process those feelings without feeling negative about myself. When I am lonely I know, this is a temporary feeling and not something to measure my worth against. When I am getting to know a new person, I'm more mindful of their actions and care less about words. I know when I am not being valued the way I should be and how to gracefully walk away.
I must reiterate that this is not easy and if I am making it seem this way, I apologize. Nothing in life worth having is easy, self-love included. I like to think of self-love as a muscle that controls your movement. To take care of this muscle, you must spend time nourishing and building it. You must go through pain to grow this muscle. When you are in situations in which your self-love is being called into question, it is your job to flex that muscle. My overall happiness and continual glow up since departing from the world of fuckboys is how I'm flexing right now.
Fuckboys are a blessing in disguise — dealing with them forced me to confront issues within myself that needed the attention I was wastefully giving to them instead. I'm grateful for the devastation that led me to say, "NO MORE OF THIS BULLS*T!" I've learned that loving yourself is the most important commitment you will ever make and it is the foundation needed for any other commitment in your life to truly thrive. While I am happy to be fuckboy free, I am grateful that after years of wanting to be loved I could find the love I needed most in myself.
Written by @WhoIsTheElle, a Brooklyn-Based Musician, DJ and Writer. Her work has been featured on ForHarriet.com. For more of her writing visit: https://medium.com/whoistheelle. Be sure to check out her music here.