What I Am Learning About Myself After Reconnecting With An Ex
Earlier this year I reconnected with someone, who was (and still is) quite possibly one of the most important people in my college and post-college life. And it has not been an easy journey.
While communication is key and foundation to any relationship, it can also be what sabotage an attempt at restarting one. However, as I continue to go through this process, I am realizing this season is more about me and less about him. Stay with me.
When we met my sophomore year of college, I firmly believed (and still do) women should be able to date around as often as men do, if they choose to. I wasn’t going to allow society define how many men I can date or be socially shamed because I wanted to date more than one man at a time. It has always been important to me to defy that B.S. perception. As a result of those beliefs, I always had a starting lineup, a backup plan, a just in case this doesn’t work out guy, so to speak. I am someone who requires a lot of attention, and once I felt I wasn’t receiving the desired attention from the individual I was invested in that’s when the backups would come into play. Essentially, never truly allowing myself to open up and be vulnerable and never truly making space for one guy.
Roughly six months later, I am starting to realize what this season is truly about. I firmly believe God will continue to give you the same lesson plan over and over until you choose to do the work of understanding it and growing past it. You can opt to learn from it the first time, or you’ll find that same situation staring you in the face yet again.
So what is my lesson? I have never truly made the emotional space for just one person. I have never just dated one person, and while that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I wasn’t always honest about it. I subscribed to the don’t ask, don’t tell policy, which can get messy. It was a defense mechanism against getting too involved. My mindset was: I rather play you before you play me (I’m pretty sure there’s a Lil Kim song for this lol).
But I am learning for God to truly give me what I want I have to re-evaluate past habits and tendencies. This is more about me learning how to be vulnerable, how not to be a brat, how to be real about my expectations (and maybe completely throwing my expectations in the trash), and stop being sneaky. To really grow and make space for a healthy relationship, I have to throw all my trash ways away, which includes having additional persons available to feed my need for attention. If not, I am not making room for whomever God may have planned for me.
And although I do pray that he is the one God is preparing for me, this season is really about my growth, my glow, and holding myself accountable. And whether this works out or not, I will know how to start a relationship the healthy way.
For more of the back story start here.